Goodbye....Hello

I haven't posted in weeks. I've had many reasons why, some of which I am  ready to post about, other not ready yet.  I am going through some real life changes personally and have struggled with writing a chipper, tutorial style blog when I have so many personal struggles going on inside. I'm still working through some things, but thought I'd share some of the items I've made in the weeks since my last post. The last of this post is about some things I am going through and hopefully you will bear with me. I think writing it out will be therapeutic for me and feel free to skip it if it is more than you want to hear from me today :)

I hope you enjoy the pictures and hopefully I'll be able to get some good tutorials up for you real soon!

My daughter Kimmi has a pretty pink room. She keeps it perfectly clean and takes pride in it. The other kids....well I try not to enter their rooms! LOL I was thinking about something pretty I could make for Kimmi and a mobile came to mind. At times she has trouble sleeping and I thought this would catch the breeze and spin. It's extremely engaging to look at and the picture really doesn't do it justice! It's simply wire loosely wound and then has "stems" coming off the center balance. The little flowers are made from a stiff organdy type material that has some stiffness to it and I just hot glued them on the the ends of the wires. It's very light and spins so easily. She came home and loved it.

My front door hadn't had a thing on it since the fringed flower wreath project and I decided to try my hand at a floral wreath this spring. I simply sprayed a willow wreath (Dollar Tree) white and hot glued Hydrangeas from the silk flowers at Michael's onto the wreath. It turned out lovely and I hung it with a bow made from 3 layers of the tulle I used in my Valentine's dinner projects.

This is an example of one of my many changes lately. A more whole food type of eating. High Andi score items, pure ingredients, soy and green powder full of nutrient rich items. It's not a huge change for me as I've always been a healthy eater. Boneless skinless chicken, grilled with veggies and brown rice would be a typical meal for me. Well having an issue with the way my metabolism works with a possible underlying Thyroid issue all this healthy eating has not resulted in me losing or even maintaining my weight. I have grown heavier and heavier for years. This has been a big mental obstacle for me. Looking good and always worrying about weight had been part of my life since I was a child. Allot of attention was directed towards that my whole life. I have had to start blocking voices from childhood, youth and adulthood about weight and the feelings I had about it. I hate to say it but I am very unhealthy about my body image. I feel I have let down people in my life by not looking a certain way and when I say to myself it's ridiculous I inevitably hear a conversation within my family talking about the size they are and how bad they look. These people are over 100 pounds lighter than me and I go back to beating myself up. If these people I love don't like themselves at this weight then I have completely let them down by being a loser in that area. I know, that's just silly. I've been told I'm being silly and over sensitive my whole life as well, if not that then argumentative or dramatic. Lots of negative voices and then 18 years of marriage to someone who supported those thoughts as well. I came to buy into those thoughts and helped by telling myself the same things. It resulted in many years of thinking I'll never be enough for anyone...till David. For the first time I wasn't argumentative, I was expressing my opinion and had a right to. I wasn't dramatic, I was upset about something valid. I wasn't over sensitive I was aware that I had let someone down or hurt them and take it to heart. All this positive spin on things made me realize I'm not a terrible and worthless person. I'm a person-period! We all have things we wish we could change about our personalities but should love ourselves despite and in spite of them. I need to extinguish the voices I choose to hold in my head and heart. I'm not sure HOW to do it, but that's part of my journey. I will still care about people and care if I have hurt or offended someone, but I'm not going to let what people think of me rule my life any longer. This thought process has kept me from being the best self I can be. It's not about blaming, I'm past that. It's about healing and letting go of the hold my past has on me. For me it will be a long process and difficult. I am very close to my family and feel guilty about the feelings I hold because they are all so incredible! I love my family and wouldn't be so many of the things I love about myself today without their influences. This is hard. If I hated them I could easily say, they are horrible and the way I feel sucks and move on. Instead I'm left with people who, in my opinion, are exceptional individuals who probably never realized the things they said caused so much hurt. This is why confronting my feelings has been so hard, they didn't try to hurt me and I feel bad that I got hurt because they are so darn great. The thing is....it's okay to say I was hurt. There's nothing wrong with it and I'm not feeling guilty any longer. One day my kids will come to me and let me know all the things I've done to upset them. I hope I can be part of their healing by saying I'm so sorry you ever felt that way and sorry I was part of making you feel that way. You are a wonderful person, I love you and you are "enough".

I apologize for those of you looking for a tutorial on toilet paper rolls turned into a Pottery Barn wreath with witty little quips, you caught me on soul searching day....but have no fear I'll be back with glue gun in had and more tutorials soon!

Until next time Dear Reader,

Chatty Cathy